Photo by Ccm Studio (Nick Michael)
I'm having a really difficult time lately and I feel like I need to vent and get some of my feelings out. I kind of touched upon this in my "Why I didn't go to University" post, but I kept my emotions aside and tried to just get my points across simply.
I've ignored how reclusive I've been over the past few years and put it down to wanting to spend time with my family but honestly I have been constantly restricted by my anxieties and fears. I have turned down holidays, festivals, nights out and a multitude of incredible experiences and now I'm here filled with doubts and regret.
At the time it wasn't clear to me, but now looking back it's obvious that I allowed fear to control my life. I don't know what label to put on how I felt, depression? anxiety? All I knew was any time I had plans that were out of my control I would spend the entire lead up thinking of every possible thing that could go wrong and in the end I would disregard it altogether and wrap myself in my duvet surrounded by the safe familiarity of home.
Now that I'm finally trying to overcome this, I haven't got these opportunities any more. Friend's stopped bothering to invite me along to things years ago, it must have gotten pointless to them as my answer would always be no, or I would say yes and the fears would overtake me and I'd eventually cancel.
This year has been a constant battle to stop these feelings, I took a new job, started saying yes to going out, tried connecting with new people and pushing myself to take classes and practise new things. Yes I still have days when the anxiety is so bad that I can't even leave the house to take the dog for a walk, but now they are few and far between. It doesn't come easy though, I am constantly psyching myself up to do things, pushing myself, not allowing another option.
I'm happier with my new found confidence, but I'm still overtaken by past regrets and my constant fear of getting older. I know that it's stupid and I'm only 22, but it's scary to think how fast life can pass when I'm not embracing every opportunity that comes my way. I guess I just miss the simplicity of being 17, going to college a few days a week and having no real responsibilities or stresses.
If I could go back with the mindset I have now, I would in a heartbeat. I just have the constant urge to run away from everything but I have to remind myself I have so many amazing things already and of course I have my entire life to still do mad shit that I think I've missed out on.
I guess I'm just having a particularly bad day and instead of having all of this circulating in my head I thought I'd vent in the form of this post.
Of course I know most people experience what I'm feeling, wanting to be someone else, look a different way, live in another era (The 70's duh), but sometimes it is more than just a small urge and the feelings overtake and you feel like you're drowning.
I've wrote most of this post on a blurry screen through tears, so clearly I'm particularly emotional today, but it still applies and even if only one person reads this and realises that they aren't the only ones feeling shitty like this than that's good enough for me.
Sorry to anyone who has had to try really hard to get me to do something in the past and thank you to the people that are giving me the opportunity to push myself and do cool things now and in the future. In the past I would never have thought I could get decent at rock climbing or try out modelling. It's an exciting time...
Instagram @wolvesandflames
No comments
Post a Comment